Location: men’s room

Background: I just do not understand why men step up to a urinal and unbuckle their belts, unbutton their pants and unzip their fly when they go to take a piss.  There is no reason to do all of that.  Your dick is not so big that you need to get all in there and haul it out.  it will fit through the fly on your pants.

Urge: there was a man standing at a urinal in the bathroom when i went in there.  He had his belt unbuckled, pants unbuttoned and unzipped.  This causes his “footprint” at the urinal to be much larger because his belt and pants are open much further than normally would be the case and as any man knows, bathroom time is a time when a man needs his space.  I had the almost uncontrollable urge to step up behind him and pants him and then run out of the bathroom while he struggles to get his pants back up.

Control: i really didn’t want to see this guy’s underwear (or worse, his ass), also, it’s a professional environment and that would be really weird…oh, and it might be just a little gay…well, on second thought, i doubt gay men go around pantsing each other.  Seems more like a jock locker room sort of thing.

A tamed down version of the chaos I would have created. Photo courtesy of ribot.

Date of Urge: 10-13-2008

Time of Urge: Approximately 4:30 p.m.

Location of Urge: Local Meijer store

Description of Urge: While grocery shopping with my significant other, I was walking down an aisle.  While approaching the end-cap (the end of the aisle if you don’t know) and employee walked past and blocked me due to pulling a large flatbed cart stacked approximately 6 feet high with boxes.  I had the almost uncontrollable urge to run and dive through the boxes knocking everything to the ground.

Why urge was controlled: Concern that the boxes may have something large and heavy in them and that I would get hurt on either the initial push-thru, or when the boxes came tumbling down on me.  Also, concern that the materials could break and I would have to pay for them.  Also, I don’t want a divorce.

The age old question of whether or not to fling one

Date of Urge: 10-17-2008

Time of Urge: 1:30 p.m.

Location of Urge: Vet’s office

Description of Urge: While delivering my pet’s fecal sample to the vet’s office (routine screening) I had the almost uncontrollable urge to fling the poo at the receptionists face while screaming “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?  I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!!!  EAT SHIT BITCH!!!”

Why urge was controlled: No other people in the waiting room, so therefore no audience for my hilarious antics.  Also, the receptionist was pretty cute.

Date: 9/16/08

Time: lunch-ish

Location: downtown, outside some building

Urge: I had the almost uncontrollable urge to walk up to Alicia Sacramone and say the following: “So, when you totally biffed on the balance beam, did that suck as much for you as it did for America?

Alicia Sacramone

Side urge: to hit on the other two gymnasts who are much, much younger than me (i think one of them is like 16).

Why the urge was controlled: i really didn’t want to get beaten up by the security personnel that were nearby.

Frank Deford = the worst sports commentator of all time.

Date of Urge:  Every Wednesday morning

Time of Urge:  Wednesdays during NPR’s “Morning Edition”

Description of Urge:  To scream and yell at Frank Deford during his commentary and then fire him from all of his jobs while shaking him violently.  Mr. Deford is the king of reporting on news stories that happened 10 years ago, and pretending he had an original idea.  Earlier this year he did a story on how it was unfair for college athletes to not get paid, and acted as if he was the first person to ever have this idea and that it would solve all sorts of problems and that it had never been debated before in the history of college sports.  He has called Tim Duncan (who has two league MVPS, 2 NBA Final MVPS, 10 All NBA First Team nods, and 11 First Team Defense nods, and is considered by many to be the greatest power forward of all time) “the most underrated player in the NBA.”  Frank has stated that the NFL is the best federation in all of sports, arguing that one of the reasons is that the NFL is not run by volunteers and that the world over knows it as American Football and that no other sport is known by it’s country (“There is no Indonesian Badminton”), neglecting the fact that it is American Football because the sport of football throughout the world is what we call soccer which existed for eons prior to the NFL and that there is also Australian rules football.  Earlier this year he did a story on how it was unfair for college athletes to not get paid, and acted as if he was the first person to ever have this idea and that it would solve all sorts of problems and that it had never been debated before in the history of college sports.  The list goes on and on and on and on and on and on.  Just listen sometime and you’ll want to drive your car to wherever it is that Frank Deford lives and crash it into his living room, jump out of your car, and then scream at him that he is fired from whatever job it is that he is working on at the current moment.

Why urge was controlled:  Not having the power to actually fire Frank Deford from anything.  Nor wanting to waste the gas, nor my vocal chords from yelling, driving to wherever it is that Deford lives.

Les Miles apparently melts when you dump gatorade on him. Or, he is trying to savor every drop.

Date of Urge:  08-21-2008

Time of Urge:  Approximately 5:30 p.m.

Location of Urge:  Kid’s soccer practice

Description of Urge:  While driving, I noticed that some young kids were having soccer practice at a nearby field.  Next to the sidelines was an orange water cooler, which I would assume was full of ice water.  The coach of the team was standing approximately 5-10 feet in front of the cooler as parents drove in and out of the parking lot, dropping off their kids.  I seriously debated parking the car, running over and picking up the cooler and dumping it on the coach while screaming about the championship we had just won. 

Why the urge was controlled:  Fear that I would throw out my back, yet again, while lifting the water cooler.

Where: Meijer

What: Last night my lady friend discovered she was out of feminine products and i told her i’d go to the store.  While i was walking through the aisles i thought about how weird it is for a guy to be buying feminine products at 11:30 at night without a “feminine” present.  So, i thought, why not take this up to the next level and throw in some hemorrhoid cream, some condoms, some wart remover, some herpacin, some ex-lax, some pepto bismol, and maybe a small doll or a dog toy…put all of it on the counter and stare intently at the cashier (not in a menacing way, just intently).

What stopped me: i didn’t want to go around the store picking all that stuff up and the self-check out lane was right there.

If only this league truly existed, I might be able to control this urge.

Date of Urge:  08-19-2008

Time of Urge:  6:15 p.m.

Location of Urge:  Near the campus of my local university

Description of Urge:  So…this marks the beginning of college school terms.  Which, unfortunately, means that an incredibly large number of obnoxious students are moving back into the area.  While having a major university in my backyard is nice for all of the interesting stuff it provides for the community, a large group of students are self-centered idiots who take up a lot of room at all events worth going to and go ahead and trash the sidewalks with broken bottles neglecting to realize that all sorts of people walk on the sidewalk to include little kids.  Everytime I see a group of students walking side by side by side by side down the sidewalk, all talking on their individual cell phones and not to each other, and not moving out of the way of anyone else, but rather making sure that you, the individual taking up the least amount of space, I want to yell out “Red Rover, Red Rover, let me come on over!” while I take off in a sprint and smash between a couple of them.

Why urge was controlled:  I’m not really sure…hopefully I will lose control next time this happens.

Where: local polling place

What: I have the almost uncontrollable urge to either not vote at all, or vote for Senator John McCain this presidential election because i am sick of the most die hard supporters of Obama.  This is not to say that i don’t agree with Sen. Obama (because i do) but my god, i haven’t ever met a more self righteous group of people.  I think that Jesus freaks are less smug than these people.

Control: i won’t vote for McCain and i won’t skip voting entirely because i’m afraid that i won’t be able to get my lady friend the abortions we’re constantly racking up.  2 more and we get a free one!

Time of Urge: Lunchtime

Background: Today there is an anti-abortion rally taking place on the public square in my town.  It is approximately 5 blocks from my office, so i could easily walk over during lunch.  They are going to have a lot of very graphic photographs of aborted babies.

Urge: I feel like i should go over and get a really messy pasta dish to eat next to these people while holding a sign that says: If Mary had an abortion, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

What’s holding me back: i don’t want to give these people the satisfaction of the argument.  I’d rather just ignore them.