Almost Uncontrollable Urges's blog

Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture Part Deux

August 27, 2008
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Frank Deford = the worst sports commentator of all time.

Frank Deford = the worst sports commentator of all time.

Date of Urge:  Every Wednesday morning

Time of Urge:  Wednesdays during NPR’s “Morning Edition”

Description of Urge:  To scream and yell at Frank Deford during his commentary and then fire him from all of his jobs while shaking him violently.  Mr. Deford is the king of reporting on news stories that happened 10 years ago, and pretending he had an original idea.  Earlier this year he did a story on how it was unfair for college athletes to not get paid, and acted as if he was the first person to ever have this idea and that it would solve all sorts of problems and that it had never been debated before in the history of college sports.  He has called Tim Duncan (who has two league MVPS, 2 NBA Final MVPS, 10 All NBA First Team nods, and 11 First Team Defense nods, and is considered by many to be the greatest power forward of all time) “the most underrated player in the NBA.”  Frank has stated that the NFL is the best federation in all of sports, arguing that one of the reasons is that the NFL is not run by volunteers and that the world over knows it as American Football and that no other sport is known by it’s country (“There is no Indonesian Badminton”), neglecting the fact that it is American Football because the sport of football throughout the world is what we call soccer which existed for eons prior to the NFL and that there is also Australian rules football.  Earlier this year he did a story on how it was unfair for college athletes to not get paid, and acted as if he was the first person to ever have this idea and that it would solve all sorts of problems and that it had never been debated before in the history of college sports.  The list goes on and on and on and on and on and on.  Just listen sometime and you’ll want to drive your car to wherever it is that Frank Deford lives and crash it into his living room, jump out of your car, and then scream at him that he is fired from whatever job it is that he is working on at the current moment.

Why urge was controlled:  Not having the power to actually fire Frank Deford from anything.  Nor wanting to waste the gas, nor my vocal chords from yelling, driving to wherever it is that Deford lives.


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Gatorade Bath

August 26, 2008
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Les Miles apparently melts when you dump gatorade on him.  Or, he is trying to savor every drop.

Les Miles apparently melts when you dump gatorade on him. Or, he is trying to savor every drop.

Date of Urge:  08-21-2008

Time of Urge:  Approximately 5:30 p.m.

Location of Urge:  Kid’s soccer practice

Description of Urge:  While driving, I noticed that some young kids were having soccer practice at a nearby field.  Next to the sidelines was an orange water cooler, which I would assume was full of ice water.  The coach of the team was standing approximately 5-10 feet in front of the cooler as parents drove in and out of the parking lot, dropping off their kids.  I seriously debated parking the car, running over and picking up the cooler and dumping it on the coach while screaming about the championship we had just won. 

Why the urge was controlled:  Fear that I would throw out my back, yet again, while lifting the water cooler.


shopping

August 25, 2008
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When: August 24th, 2008, 11:30 PM

Where: Meijer

What: Last night my lady friend discovered she was out of feminine products and i told her i’d go to the store.  While i was walking through the aisles i thought about how weird it is for a guy to be buying feminine products at 11:30 at night without a “feminine” present.  So, i thought, why not take this up to the next level and throw in some hemorrhoid cream, some condoms, some wart remover, some herpacin, some ex-lax, some pepto bismol, and maybe a small doll or a dog toy…put all of it on the counter and stare intently at the cashier (not in a menacing way, just intently).

What stopped me: i didn’t want to go around the store picking all that stuff up and the self-check out lane was right there.


Red Rover

August 20, 2008
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If only this league truly existed, I might be able to control this urge.

If only this league truly existed, I might be able to control this urge.

Date of Urge:  08-19-2008

Time of Urge:  6:15 p.m.

Location of Urge:  Near the campus of my local university

Description of Urge:  So…this marks the beginning of college school terms.  Which, unfortunately, means that an incredibly large number of obnoxious students are moving back into the area.  While having a major university in my backyard is nice for all of the interesting stuff it provides for the community, a large group of students are self-centered idiots who take up a lot of room at all events worth going to and go ahead and trash the sidewalks with broken bottles neglecting to realize that all sorts of people walk on the sidewalk to include little kids.  Everytime I see a group of students walking side by side by side by side down the sidewalk, all talking on their individual cell phones and not to each other, and not moving out of the way of anyone else, but rather making sure that you, the individual taking up the least amount of space, I want to yell out “Red Rover, Red Rover, let me come on over!” while I take off in a sprint and smash between a couple of them.

Why urge was controlled:  I’m not really sure…hopefully I will lose control next time this happens.


not voting

August 14, 2008
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When: November 4, 2008

Where: local polling place

What: I have the almost uncontrollable urge to either not vote at all, or vote for Senator John McCain this presidential election because i am sick of the most die hard supporters of Obama.  This is not to say that i don’t agree with Sen. Obama (because i do) but my god, i haven’t ever met a more self righteous group of people.  I think that Jesus freaks are less smug than these people.

Control: i won’t vote for McCain and i won’t skip voting entirely because i’m afraid that i won’t be able to get my lady friend the abortions we’re constantly racking up.  2 more and we get a free one!


Jesus

August 8, 2008
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Date of Urge: 8/8/08

Time of Urge: Lunchtime

Background: Today there is an anti-abortion rally taking place on the public square in my town.  It is approximately 5 blocks from my office, so i could easily walk over during lunch.  They are going to have a lot of very graphic photographs of aborted babies.

Urge: I feel like i should go over and get a really messy pasta dish to eat next to these people while holding a sign that says: If Mary had an abortion, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

What’s holding me back: i don’t want to give these people the satisfaction of the argument.  I’d rather just ignore them.


Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture

August 7, 2008
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Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, seen here attempting to lie his way out of lying to a grand jury.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, seen here attempting to lie his way out of lying to a grand jury.

Date of Urge:  08-07-2008
Time of Urge:  All day
Location of Urge:  Detroit…I guess

Description of Urge:  I have the almost uncontrollable urge to drive to Detroit, MI just to find Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick.  Upon finding him, I would shake him to death for being such an idiot.  As if Detroit needed another black eye, Kwame now has to spend a day in jail for failing to notify the court that he was going to Canada for a business meeting.  All he had to do was make a phone call, on a City of Detroit issued cell phone that we all know he knows how to use, and say “Hey…this is Kwame.  I’m going to Canada for business.”  I just want to shake him so hard that he suffers before dying.

Why urge is controlled:  Cost of Gas


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Driving into a Guardrail

August 5, 2008
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The results if my urge was not controlled

The results if my urge was not controlled

Date of Urge:

Once a week

Time of Urge: While driving on the expressway

Location of Urge:  Car/expressway

Description of Urge:  While driving along the expressway, and most often while going around bends in the road, I have the almost uncontrollable urge to drive into the guardrail.  Not to T-bone it.  That would be silly.  Rather, I’d like to, at 70 miles per hour, just scrape up against it and see what happens.

Urge Controlled:  Fear for my life, or the life of others if the car should spin out of control.  Also, I could not afford it monetarily.

Side-Urge:  A less strong a.u.u., but still present, is the desire to drive off of an exit ramp into the ditch below.


About author

What do we consider an almost uncontrollable urge? Well, first we need to establish a definition. Almost: al*most, [awl-mohst], -adverb, meaning: very nearly. Uncontrollable: un*con*trol*la*ble, [un-kuh n-troh-luh-buhl], -adjective, meaning: incapable of being controlled or restrained. Urge: [urj], -noun, meaning: an involuntary, natural, or instinctive impulse. Therefore, an almost uncontrollable urge is an involuntary, natural or instinctive impulse that is very nearly incapable of being controlled or restrained. These A.U.U.'s occur mostly in public settings, as there is very little to constrain a person in a private setting. The urge is frequently overcome due to any number of things, such as: societal standards, fear of retribution, fear of prosecution, fear of being left alone after having embarrased a significant other for the last time, etc. This is simply a list of several of the AUU's that we have had.

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