Almost Uncontrollable Urges's blog

Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture

August 7, 2008
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Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, seen here attempting to lie his way out of lying to a grand jury.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, seen here attempting to lie his way out of lying to a grand jury.

Date of Urge:  08-07-2008
Time of Urge:  All day
Location of Urge:  Detroit…I guess

Description of Urge:  I have the almost uncontrollable urge to drive to Detroit, MI just to find Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick.  Upon finding him, I would shake him to death for being such an idiot.  As if Detroit needed another black eye, Kwame now has to spend a day in jail for failing to notify the court that he was going to Canada for a business meeting.  All he had to do was make a phone call, on a City of Detroit issued cell phone that we all know he knows how to use, and say “Hey…this is Kwame.  I’m going to Canada for business.”  I just want to shake him so hard that he suffers before dying.

Why urge is controlled:  Cost of Gas


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Driving into a Guardrail

August 5, 2008

The results if my urge was not controlled

The results if my urge was not controlled

Date of Urge:

Once a week

Time of Urge: While driving on the expressway

Location of Urge:  Car/expressway

Description of Urge:  While driving along the expressway, and most often while going around bends in the road, I have the almost uncontrollable urge to drive into the guardrail.  Not to T-bone it.  That would be silly.  Rather, I’d like to, at 70 miles per hour, just scrape up against it and see what happens.

Urge Controlled:  Fear for my life, or the life of others if the car should spin out of control.  Also, I could not afford it monetarily.

Side-Urge:  A less strong a.u.u., but still present, is the desire to drive off of an exit ramp into the ditch below.

totally uncontrollable urge

July 31, 2008
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Date: July 30, 2008

Time: 2:45pm

Location: Bathroom at work

What happened: I went to the bathroom to go pee and upon stepping up to the urinal i discovered that there was a large moth/fly/bug looking thing floating in the water.  It took up a lot of the room.  I had the completely uncontrollable urge to pee on the bug.

Control: none. i totally peed on that MFing bug!

Slam and Spill

July 29, 2008
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Date of Urge: July 28, 2008

Time of Urge: Approximately 6:15 p.m.

Description of Urge: While driving with my significant other, we stopped for some refreshments.  Upon continuing the journey along and while my significant other was taking a large gulp of juice, I desparately wanted to slam on the breaks, therefore having the juice spill all over my significant other’s face and clothes.

Why urge was controlled: No longer feeling safe if I was trying to drink something while sitting shotgun.  Also, I didn’t want to have to pay for cleaning supplies and then work hard to get the stains out of the seat.

Thankfully not my real significant other.

Thankfully not my real significant other.

On the way home from the ballpark

July 29, 2008
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Date: Saturday, July 26, 2008

Time: Approximately 10:30 pm

Location: outside a baseball stadium

Description: On Saturday, I was attending a baseball game at my local professional baseball park.  As we were walking away from the game (the home team lost) we were going down an incline (decline?).  To the right of the sidewalk was a series of concrete pillars with chains connecting each one (bringing to mind the velvet rope).   Well, hanging on to the bottom of one of these chains and leaning over was a little girl of approximately 3 years.  She was holding onto the chain behind her back and sort of leaning out away from me and into the street (pedestrian area, no traffic). I had the almost uncontrollable urge to just punt her across the street.  She was set up for it perfectly.

Control: Contrary to popular opinion, i’m not a complete dick.  Also, her father was there and he probably would have (rightfully) kicked my ass.

Kicking a volleyball

July 28, 2008
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Date of Urge: July 17, 2008

Time of Urge: 8:15ish PM

Location: Bar with volleyball courts

Description of Urge: Each week my friends and I gather to play cornhole (bean bag toss) at a bar that also has sand volleyball courts and a league that plays at the same time as we do.  Every so often a volleyball will come careening out into our play field and someone will come running after it.  This past week the person chasing was an attractive girl wearing a pair of small shorts and a sports bra.  As she came running i got the almost uncontrollable urge to just punt the volleyball as far as I could and stand there laughing.

Why the urge was controlled: Fear of retribution by the rest of the her team, loss of reputation as a “pretty nice guy.”

Extra comment: This is an urge with which I am constantly battling.  As mentioned, the volleyball comes into our play field every week.  I will update if I ever act.

Shot-Putting a Watermelon

July 22, 2008
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Date of Urge:  07-20-2008

Time of Urge:  9:30 p.m.

Location of Urge:  Grocery Store

Description of Urge:  While walking around the grocery store carrying a watermelon on my shoulder, I had the almost uncontrollable urge to spin and toss the watermelon like a shot-put.  I visualized the watermelon exploding in the milk section, sending bits of watermelon and 2% flying everywhere.  I would have then run out of the store screaming about interdimensional watermelon creatures stealing Earth’s milk.

Why the urge was controlled:  Not being able to make it out of the store before being caught, due to the fact that I was laughing too hard to run.

Follow-up to urge:  When explaining to friends about the A.U.U., we began discussing what foods would work best for the Field events in Track and Field (Discus, Javelin, Shot Put, and Hammer Toss).  Tossed around ideas include.

  1. Discus = Frozen Pizza,
  2. Shot-Put = Cantaloupe/Grapefruit/Melon Squash
  3. Hammer-Toss: Pumpkin/Gourd
  4. Javelin = Swordfish, Corn-stalk, Nerds Rope, Giant Freeze-Pop, Giant Pixie Stix, Yard long Slim Jim, Hot Dog on a Stick

What would make for good food substitutes for The World’s Strongest Man Competitions?


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About author

What do we consider an almost uncontrollable urge? Well, first we need to establish a definition. Almost: al*most, [awl-mohst], -adverb, meaning: very nearly. Uncontrollable: un*con*trol*la*ble, [un-kuh n-troh-luh-buhl], -adjective, meaning: incapable of being controlled or restrained. Urge: [urj], -noun, meaning: an involuntary, natural, or instinctive impulse. Therefore, an almost uncontrollable urge is an involuntary, natural or instinctive impulse that is very nearly incapable of being controlled or restrained. These A.U.U.'s occur mostly in public settings, as there is very little to constrain a person in a private setting. The urge is frequently overcome due to any number of things, such as: societal standards, fear of retribution, fear of prosecution, fear of being left alone after having embarrased a significant other for the last time, etc. This is simply a list of several of the AUU's that we have had.