Almost Uncontrollable Urges's blog

Pantsing

November 14, 2008
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Time: 1pm

Location: men’s room

Background: I just do not understand why men step up to a urinal and unbuckle their belts, unbutton their pants and unzip their fly when they go to take a piss.  There is no reason to do all of that.  Your dick is not so big that you need to get all in there and haul it out.  it will fit through the fly on your pants.

Urge: there was a man standing at a urinal in the bathroom when i went in there.  He had his belt unbuckled, pants unbuttoned and unzipped.  This causes his “footprint” at the urinal to be much larger because his belt and pants are open much further than normally would be the case and as any man knows, bathroom time is a time when a man needs his space.  I had the almost uncontrollable urge to step up behind him and pants him and then run out of the bathroom while he struggles to get his pants back up.

Control: i really didn’t want to see this guy’s underwear (or worse, his ass), also, it’s a professional environment and that would be really weird…oh, and it might be just a little gay…well, on second thought, i doubt gay men go around pantsing each other.  Seems more like a jock locker room sort of thing.


Boxes Schmoxes

October 17, 2008
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A tamed down version of the chaos I would have created.  Photo courtesy of ribot.'s Flickr page, although I didn't ask permission.

A tamed down version of the chaos I would have created. Photo courtesy of ribot.

Date of Urge: 10-13-2008

Time of Urge: Approximately 4:30 p.m.

Location of Urge: Local Meijer store

Description of Urge: While grocery shopping with my significant other, I was walking down an aisle.  While approaching the end-cap (the end of the aisle if you don’t know) and employee walked past and blocked me due to pulling a large flatbed cart stacked approximately 6 feet high with boxes.  I had the almost uncontrollable urge to run and dive through the boxes knocking everything to the ground.

Why urge was controlled: Concern that the boxes may have something large and heavy in them and that I would get hurt on either the initial push-thru, or when the boxes came tumbling down on me.  Also, concern that the materials could break and I would have to pay for them.  Also, I don’t want a divorce.


Fling Poo

October 17, 2008
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The age old question of whether or not to fling one's poo.

The age old question of whether or not to fling one

Date of Urge: 10-17-2008

Time of Urge: 1:30 p.m.

Location of Urge: Vet’s office

Description of Urge: While delivering my pet’s fecal sample to the vet’s office (routine screening) I had the almost uncontrollable urge to fling the poo at the receptionists face while screaming “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?  I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!!!  EAT SHIT BITCH!!!”

Why urge was controlled: No other people in the waiting room, so therefore no audience for my hilarious antics.  Also, the receptionist was pretty cute.


Gatorade Bath

August 26, 2008
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Les Miles apparently melts when you dump gatorade on him.  Or, he is trying to savor every drop.

Les Miles apparently melts when you dump gatorade on him. Or, he is trying to savor every drop.

Date of Urge:  08-21-2008

Time of Urge:  Approximately 5:30 p.m.

Location of Urge:  Kid’s soccer practice

Description of Urge:  While driving, I noticed that some young kids were having soccer practice at a nearby field.  Next to the sidelines was an orange water cooler, which I would assume was full of ice water.  The coach of the team was standing approximately 5-10 feet in front of the cooler as parents drove in and out of the parking lot, dropping off their kids.  I seriously debated parking the car, running over and picking up the cooler and dumping it on the coach while screaming about the championship we had just won. 

Why the urge was controlled:  Fear that I would throw out my back, yet again, while lifting the water cooler.


Red Rover

August 20, 2008
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If only this league truly existed, I might be able to control this urge.

If only this league truly existed, I might be able to control this urge.

Date of Urge:  08-19-2008

Time of Urge:  6:15 p.m.

Location of Urge:  Near the campus of my local university

Description of Urge:  So…this marks the beginning of college school terms.  Which, unfortunately, means that an incredibly large number of obnoxious students are moving back into the area.  While having a major university in my backyard is nice for all of the interesting stuff it provides for the community, a large group of students are self-centered idiots who take up a lot of room at all events worth going to and go ahead and trash the sidewalks with broken bottles neglecting to realize that all sorts of people walk on the sidewalk to include little kids.  Everytime I see a group of students walking side by side by side by side down the sidewalk, all talking on their individual cell phones and not to each other, and not moving out of the way of anyone else, but rather making sure that you, the individual taking up the least amount of space, I want to yell out “Red Rover, Red Rover, let me come on over!” while I take off in a sprint and smash between a couple of them.

Why urge was controlled:  I’m not really sure…hopefully I will lose control next time this happens.


Driving into a Guardrail

August 5, 2008
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The results if my urge was not controlled

The results if my urge was not controlled

Date of Urge:

Once a week

Time of Urge: While driving on the expressway

Location of Urge:  Car/expressway

Description of Urge:  While driving along the expressway, and most often while going around bends in the road, I have the almost uncontrollable urge to drive into the guardrail.  Not to T-bone it.  That would be silly.  Rather, I’d like to, at 70 miles per hour, just scrape up against it and see what happens.

Urge Controlled:  Fear for my life, or the life of others if the car should spin out of control.  Also, I could not afford it monetarily.

Side-Urge:  A less strong a.u.u., but still present, is the desire to drive off of an exit ramp into the ditch below.


Slam and Spill

July 29, 2008
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Date of Urge: July 28, 2008

Time of Urge: Approximately 6:15 p.m.

Description of Urge: While driving with my significant other, we stopped for some refreshments.  Upon continuing the journey along and while my significant other was taking a large gulp of juice, I desparately wanted to slam on the breaks, therefore having the juice spill all over my significant other’s face and clothes.

Why urge was controlled: No longer feeling safe if I was trying to drink something while sitting shotgun.  Also, I didn’t want to have to pay for cleaning supplies and then work hard to get the stains out of the seat.

Thankfully not my real significant other.

Thankfully not my real significant other.


On the way home from the ballpark

July 29, 2008
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Date: Saturday, July 26, 2008

Time: Approximately 10:30 pm

Location: outside a baseball stadium

Description: On Saturday, I was attending a baseball game at my local professional baseball park.  As we were walking away from the game (the home team lost) we were going down an incline (decline?).  To the right of the sidewalk was a series of concrete pillars with chains connecting each one (bringing to mind the velvet rope).   Well, hanging on to the bottom of one of these chains and leaning over was a little girl of approximately 3 years.  She was holding onto the chain behind her back and sort of leaning out away from me and into the street (pedestrian area, no traffic). I had the almost uncontrollable urge to just punt her across the street.  She was set up for it perfectly.

Control: Contrary to popular opinion, i’m not a complete dick.  Also, her father was there and he probably would have (rightfully) kicked my ass.


Kicking a volleyball

July 28, 2008
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Date of Urge: July 17, 2008

Time of Urge: 8:15ish PM

Location: Bar with volleyball courts

Description of Urge: Each week my friends and I gather to play cornhole (bean bag toss) at a bar that also has sand volleyball courts and a league that plays at the same time as we do.  Every so often a volleyball will come careening out into our play field and someone will come running after it.  This past week the person chasing was an attractive girl wearing a pair of small shorts and a sports bra.  As she came running i got the almost uncontrollable urge to just punt the volleyball as far as I could and stand there laughing.

Why the urge was controlled: Fear of retribution by the rest of the her team, loss of reputation as a “pretty nice guy.”

Extra comment: This is an urge with which I am constantly battling.  As mentioned, the volleyball comes into our play field every week.  I will update if I ever act.


Shot-Putting a Watermelon

July 22, 2008
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Date of Urge:  07-20-2008

Time of Urge:  9:30 p.m.

Location of Urge:  Grocery Store

Description of Urge:  While walking around the grocery store carrying a watermelon on my shoulder, I had the almost uncontrollable urge to spin and toss the watermelon like a shot-put.  I visualized the watermelon exploding in the milk section, sending bits of watermelon and 2% flying everywhere.  I would have then run out of the store screaming about interdimensional watermelon creatures stealing Earth’s milk.

Why the urge was controlled:  Not being able to make it out of the store before being caught, due to the fact that I was laughing too hard to run.

Follow-up to urge:  When explaining to friends about the A.U.U., we began discussing what foods would work best for the Field events in Track and Field (Discus, Javelin, Shot Put, and Hammer Toss).  Tossed around ideas include.

  1. Discus = Frozen Pizza,
  2. Shot-Put = Cantaloupe/Grapefruit/Melon Squash
  3. Hammer-Toss: Pumpkin/Gourd
  4. Javelin = Swordfish, Corn-stalk, Nerds Rope, Giant Freeze-Pop, Giant Pixie Stix, Yard long Slim Jim, Hot Dog on a Stick

What would make for good food substitutes for The World’s Strongest Man Competitions?

 


About author

What do we consider an almost uncontrollable urge? Well, first we need to establish a definition. Almost: al*most, [awl-mohst], -adverb, meaning: very nearly. Uncontrollable: un*con*trol*la*ble, [un-kuh n-troh-luh-buhl], -adjective, meaning: incapable of being controlled or restrained. Urge: [urj], -noun, meaning: an involuntary, natural, or instinctive impulse. Therefore, an almost uncontrollable urge is an involuntary, natural or instinctive impulse that is very nearly incapable of being controlled or restrained. These A.U.U.'s occur mostly in public settings, as there is very little to constrain a person in a private setting. The urge is frequently overcome due to any number of things, such as: societal standards, fear of retribution, fear of prosecution, fear of being left alone after having embarrased a significant other for the last time, etc. This is simply a list of several of the AUU's that we have had.

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